Lately things haven't been so swell.
Seriously, I'm just frusterated with so many things right now and i'm constantly struggling with the idea that people really don't care about me. I'm just upset with certain people. Seriously, I think about my friends all the time, would do just about anything for a lot of them and would probably take a bullet for half of them. I just feel like a lot of the things that I feel are one sided. For the longest time i've felt numb, completely transparent. Yet, lately I just feel used, thrown away and neglected. The idea of moving away seemed so refreshing because so many people I know are making new starts in this city and I just can't see that happening for me. I feel like I know so much about people but no one really knows about me or gives a shit. Maybe it's because I feel i'm not important enough, or that i'm not as interesting as i'd like to be, but people still need to ask if people are ok. Please be good to each other.
The other day Nick's parents came over and it was difficult. June treats me strangly, delicately, like one word could turn me against myself. I just can't comprehend the crulness of reality; the fact that my parent's have 3 healthy children and Greg and June burried their only one. It just makes me want to scream, to hug them and tell them that they are beautiful people. But most of all it makes me want to go back to 3 years ago and tell Nick that he was loved and that growing up he was like a brother to me. I still can't believe that i'll never see him again. It's funny how I always push that thought to the back of my mind and let it lurk there and then BANG! it weaves it's way back into my thoughts and tangles around my emotions with such a force that I can't help but cry and be angry. I just wish that everyone could know how special they are.
Seriously, suicide is the most difficult thing to deal with. If someone hasn't dealt with it personally then I really don't think there is anyway for you to be inside the grief that I sometimes feel. I guess what i'm trying to say is love each other. Don't wait for things to spin out of control, be there for one another. Don't cheapen death in your writings, in your thoughts or in your conversations.
I'm sorry for the drama but things are just really bad right now.
Seriously, I'm just frusterated with so many things right now and i'm constantly struggling with the idea that people really don't care about me. I'm just upset with certain people. Seriously, I think about my friends all the time, would do just about anything for a lot of them and would probably take a bullet for half of them. I just feel like a lot of the things that I feel are one sided. For the longest time i've felt numb, completely transparent. Yet, lately I just feel used, thrown away and neglected. The idea of moving away seemed so refreshing because so many people I know are making new starts in this city and I just can't see that happening for me. I feel like I know so much about people but no one really knows about me or gives a shit. Maybe it's because I feel i'm not important enough, or that i'm not as interesting as i'd like to be, but people still need to ask if people are ok. Please be good to each other.
The other day Nick's parents came over and it was difficult. June treats me strangly, delicately, like one word could turn me against myself. I just can't comprehend the crulness of reality; the fact that my parent's have 3 healthy children and Greg and June burried their only one. It just makes me want to scream, to hug them and tell them that they are beautiful people. But most of all it makes me want to go back to 3 years ago and tell Nick that he was loved and that growing up he was like a brother to me. I still can't believe that i'll never see him again. It's funny how I always push that thought to the back of my mind and let it lurk there and then BANG! it weaves it's way back into my thoughts and tangles around my emotions with such a force that I can't help but cry and be angry. I just wish that everyone could know how special they are.
Seriously, suicide is the most difficult thing to deal with. If someone hasn't dealt with it personally then I really don't think there is anyway for you to be inside the grief that I sometimes feel. I guess what i'm trying to say is love each other. Don't wait for things to spin out of control, be there for one another. Don't cheapen death in your writings, in your thoughts or in your conversations.
I'm sorry for the drama but things are just really bad right now.
5 Comments:
At 7:58 PM,
Big Nikki said…
sorry sarah if i am one of the people that doesn't care about you, or makes you feel like that.
i am so wrapped up in my own crap right now that i probably act like i don't give a shit about anybody.
but thank you for calling me today, even though i didn't get the message until late.
i know that you care about me and just knowing that is helping me get through this right now...
i don't talk about it much in person, i have a hard time with that...but you know a lot from reading my blog, more than most people know...
i know exactly what you mean about suicide and every single time i think about it or feel like it i feel the same way, i just want every hurting person to know how much they are loved, because everybody is loved by someone, and how special they are.
it breaks my heart...because i know how much i hurt sometimes and i know i get through it eventually but the thought of someone else feeling that kind of pain kills me. and even though i can relate to it i don't really know what to do to reach out to it..all i know is that no one deserves to feel that way...
i love you sarah.
At 8:01 PM,
Big Nikki said…
PS.
somewhere inside i guess i should have known that you would feel this way, but sometimes you seem like such a strong person to me, a person who not necessarily has things figured out but who knows who she is and i guess i don't expect you to be insecure about yourself or feel like people don't care about you...but i feel like that all the time!! and i do care about you...i am not the best at showing it because i am afraid of people thinking i am lame or too mushy or i will be rejected because no one cares about me as much as i do about them...but i really do love you and appreciate you and i think about you too and i would take a bullet for you for sure.
At 6:42 AM,
Saraiu01 said…
Thanks Nicole, I needed that.
At 1:00 PM,
Big Nikki said…
anytime.
are you working tonight before OJ?
At 3:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
dumb name, i know. i didn't know i could just use my own. this is jillian. i just found your blogsite. I love you too little sar, though i often fail to say so. It was good to spend the whole of wednesday with you. I see so little of anyone these days...
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