Last night I fell in and out of sleep countless amounts of times. My body was numb but my mind was thinking a thousand thoughts which could not quite develop any chronology or logic. I woke up feeling completely displaced and confused as though my lost thoughts were a prelude for something far bigger. You know when you have someone's name on the tip of your tongue and you just can't verbalize it even though you know it's there? It felt like that. I think the anxiety and realization that i'm leaving the country has finally managed to seep into my REM sleep and linger. This anxiety makes me aware of why i'm scared to leave but no liberty to explore. During the days I feel quite exuberant and care-free but as soon as I close my eyes I am plauged with nightmares and hot sweats until I wake up in an ebb of complete confusion and uncertainty. The only way to feel better is to get out of bed and walk around the house and think about ways to preoccupy my mind and sooth my anxiety. If I were religious I would immmediatly attribute my sleep patterns with some sort of "spiritual warfare" haha but it seems to fit under somesort of strange Freudian theory that our deepest fears reside in our unconscious. Either way, I wish I could chill out and get a good nights sleep.

I am in no way reconsidering my decision to go away but I am learning a lot about just how dependant i've become on familiarity. However, familiarity has shifted drastically these past few years which i've come to understand quite throughrally by the realization that I have spent pretty much everynight for the last week with my parent's. haah. This geography and physical boundaries of this city seem like home but a lot of the people who made it fun are not here anymore. I'm not saying i'm not greatful for the awesome people who are left, i'm just saying I miss the old ones as well.

I am ranting and I think it's because i'm only half awake.

Tonight is going to be a very, very, very drunk night and then i'm waking up to drive an hour in the morning with a hangover to pick up my sister from Acadia who will probably be in equal physical condition.