"A dandelion of light burst above us. We all looked up. It's hard not to, at such times. It's hard not to stand there with your mouth open.

Was that the beginning, that evening--on the dock at Avilion, with the fireworks dazzling the sky? It's hard to know. Beginnings are sudden, but also insidious. They creep up on you sideways, they keep to the shadows, they lurk unrecognized. Then, later, they spring."

So time seems to be flying by without sympathy towards much needed beach time, apartment hunting, romance and more roadtrips. Three weeks, just three fucking weeks until I plunge into novel after novel. Jill is leaving in 5 days and although no one else of notable signifigance to my life is leaving, it seems like familiar faces are disappearing one by one. Fall emobodies change. It's funny how much 'change' has shifted in the last few years. Every year my Mom took me shopping in the last week of August for back-to-school clothes. I specifically remember wading through air thick with humidity into Mic Mac Mall giddy with the anticipation of buying new clothes and school supplies. This year i'm budgeting my bank account and trying to decide whether or not to buy my books used or second hand. For me, fall has been shattered by such antagonizing let down that it has become sterile; a vicious reminder of failure of my behalf. I want this year to be exciting, I want it to dazzle with possibility and I want to break down the barriers i've created for myself. I remember when I used to go to bed at 3 and get up at 7, stay up all night smoking cigarettes and dancing, not worry about feeling fat. But that's when I was fun. Sometimes I just feel like my youth has been pryed out of me and I don't know if I can go back to the all night-boy-kissing-adventures that used to thrill me. I feel like i'm being forced to mature, if not for my own benefit than for my dignity. When you're 20, kissing random boys shifts from flirty and rebellious to shallow and slutty. I don't want to feel that way but I do; I need to justify why it's okay to be silly and flirty and young. And I can't do that.
~Sarah.