So tonight was an angry night.

My mom is in Mouncton with her dying aunt. She has cancer around her heart. She asked me to go with her, I declined. Maybe it's because i'm a bad daughter, maybe it's because the thought of death petrifies me. Either way, I am not looking forward to attending a funeral in the next week, pending on responce to medications.

I think of all the ways to feel, lack of control is by far the worst. I feel that a lot lately. Like I can't do anything to help myself or anyone else and like I don't even really want to. I feel like i've forgotten how to feel anything other than bitterness and contempt.

I need to get out of this city. Now.