It's been a weird last 24 hours, a weird week, a weird break.
It's times like this that I wish that I had two or three close friends, not thirty. It's also times like this that I wish that I could just get out of this city, away from the suffocating element of bitterness and the consistent stinging of gossip and jest. I feel like i've been really lazy in certain friendships and completely immersed in others. These patterns that refused to be broken have ruined me and i'm sick of sorting out the reasons and explanations while trying to decipher if there is even a difference between the two. Am I hurting? not particularly. I'm beyond caring about the superficial consequences of boys and alcohol and making out and sort-of making out. For so long, I was convinced that I was selfish--I need to create insecurity in someone else to enhance my own self image. After years of accepting this about myself, i've realized that i'm not like that at all. Obviously i'm far from perfect, but I think i'm an ok friend.
This entry isn't meant to remedy any mistakes or to bridge any gaps. It's pure, uncensored, raw, thought. Now I feel like I want to cry.
OH GOD. This live journal-esq entry it absolutely painful. I'm sorry to plague your eyes/minds with this jargon. Either way, I can't ignore that it absolutely kills me to watch friendships collapsing, lying, garbage.
On a brighter note, things have been cute. A select few know what, but that's okay.
I need to get back to my regular sleeping schedule.
Goodnight.
It's times like this that I wish that I had two or three close friends, not thirty. It's also times like this that I wish that I could just get out of this city, away from the suffocating element of bitterness and the consistent stinging of gossip and jest. I feel like i've been really lazy in certain friendships and completely immersed in others. These patterns that refused to be broken have ruined me and i'm sick of sorting out the reasons and explanations while trying to decipher if there is even a difference between the two. Am I hurting? not particularly. I'm beyond caring about the superficial consequences of boys and alcohol and making out and sort-of making out. For so long, I was convinced that I was selfish--I need to create insecurity in someone else to enhance my own self image. After years of accepting this about myself, i've realized that i'm not like that at all. Obviously i'm far from perfect, but I think i'm an ok friend.
This entry isn't meant to remedy any mistakes or to bridge any gaps. It's pure, uncensored, raw, thought. Now I feel like I want to cry.
OH GOD. This live journal-esq entry it absolutely painful. I'm sorry to plague your eyes/minds with this jargon. Either way, I can't ignore that it absolutely kills me to watch friendships collapsing, lying, garbage.
On a brighter note, things have been cute. A select few know what, but that's okay.
I need to get back to my regular sleeping schedule.
Goodnight.
2 Comments:
At 7:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
sarah you are a good friend.
sorry for the drama...but thanks for taking it and liking it.
i will grow up someday.
~N
At 6:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
I agree, you are one of my favorite friends. I'm sorry that your break sucked and that you want to get out of the city. I can absolutely understand how you feel. Don't worry, in a few weeks you will be so up to your ass in school work that you won't have any time for emotions! Won't that be nice? Hum? Ok I'll see you tonight before our TWO AND A HALF HOUR CLASS!!!!!
love rin
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