It's noon.
My hair is damp. I'm still plugging away at this essay. I'm still at a loss for words. This essay requires me to write academically; it's history, I can't fluff it up with pretty words and images and flashy metaphors empty of any real value.
Yeterday Erin and I had an interesting talk. We discussed why some girls have the ability to engage in these platonic friendships which could easily flouish into an intense unrequited love situation(espicially with our friends). I started thinking. I started thinking about how I skip the "talking" phase. I'll kiss you or I won't be your (close) friend. I'll do anything to kiss my way out of an awkward encounter. Maybe it's because I feel i'm not interesting enough, maybe because I recognize that his personality beside mine is doomed from the start, maybe it's because i'm scared. Maybe that's why I haven't dated a lot of boys and why my lip partners triple my heart's partners. I don't know why i'm like this and I certainly don't know why i'm writing about it on a public forum. This isn't meant to sound like the diary of a skank. I think i'm one of the few girls who is capable of separating physicality from unstoppable heartache. Which isn't to suggest that I havn't had my heart broken. It's definately been stepped on, crushed, molded, i'll be cliche and say broken; maybe that's why i'm the way I am. The word "boyfriend" seems so unnecessary to me. It's just word, a title, a name for the person you kiss, support, sleep with, fight with, introduce to your parents. Oh my oh my oh my oh.
I am in a slump.
My hair is damp. I'm still plugging away at this essay. I'm still at a loss for words. This essay requires me to write academically; it's history, I can't fluff it up with pretty words and images and flashy metaphors empty of any real value.
Yeterday Erin and I had an interesting talk. We discussed why some girls have the ability to engage in these platonic friendships which could easily flouish into an intense unrequited love situation(espicially with our friends). I started thinking. I started thinking about how I skip the "talking" phase. I'll kiss you or I won't be your (close) friend. I'll do anything to kiss my way out of an awkward encounter. Maybe it's because I feel i'm not interesting enough, maybe because I recognize that his personality beside mine is doomed from the start, maybe it's because i'm scared. Maybe that's why I haven't dated a lot of boys and why my lip partners triple my heart's partners. I don't know why i'm like this and I certainly don't know why i'm writing about it on a public forum. This isn't meant to sound like the diary of a skank. I think i'm one of the few girls who is capable of separating physicality from unstoppable heartache. Which isn't to suggest that I havn't had my heart broken. It's definately been stepped on, crushed, molded, i'll be cliche and say broken; maybe that's why i'm the way I am. The word "boyfriend" seems so unnecessary to me. It's just word, a title, a name for the person you kiss, support, sleep with, fight with, introduce to your parents. Oh my oh my oh my oh.
I am in a slump.
2 Comments:
At 2:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
creepy. i was just sitting here eating take-out indian food and thinking about how when it comes to relationships, i don't do well with the ambiguity of potentiality. i tend to skip the talking phase,(too), and jump two feet in. i quickly set out to turn potentiality into actuality. It is like you said, if I like you, "I'll kiss you or I won't be your (close)friend." its so much easier to just kiss someone than to look at them and look away, all that sort of weaving. i wouldn't say "i'd do anything to kiss myself out of an awkward encounter," as much as I'd say it is easier to bridge emotional distance with physical proximity. when there nature of the physical space between you and another person (me and another person) is a clearly defined constant, then awkward nervous gestures are avoided and emotional intimacy follows. blablabla i could go on. just wanted to say weird. maybe we've spent too much time together bear.
love,
j
At 10:26 AM,
Saraiu01 said…
Sometimes I forget that testerones read this site.
And yes Paul, we should discuss something along these lines sometime (although not my particular experiences). I promise, it won't turn into a fight like we experienced at Freeman's.
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