Let faith pour out in blood from ear to ear.

Lately, I feel as though everything that I am feeling resorts to silence. I used to think that it was better to keep my mouth closed when someone made a racial comment that didn't settle with me, or to humorize the lack of communication between my Mother and I, or simply mute the sexual encounters that reside as deep within my memory as I can store them.

I'm sick of keeping quiet.

But what i'm exhausted with is the complaints of others.

I'm not angry with anyone, i'm not even having these feelings in specific regard to any one person. Sure, I complain, I bitch about oversleeping, the price of cigerettes, the vaugness of professor's lectures, etc. However, I always try to keep what I feel internal, I would feel awful if my problems bled into the lives of others and made them feel useless or hurt.

I have this neurotic obsession with pining over the most unsignificant presumptions. I automatically assume that if someone is upset, it's something i've done. I blame myself for the misery of the people surrounding me. Being like this makes spending time with my friends stressful, it makes me question every word that comes out of my mouth, it makes me question all of my past actions. This irrational cornucopia of hating myself for the moodiness of other people consumes me.

Grade 12 Political Science. I sat next to a girl who stormed into class everyday, eyes raw from tears, her cheeks tatooed with mascara. Every single day, she would say to me: "My boyfriend is an asshole, i'm in a bad mood" (only usually when she said "mood" she would slam her binder down or bang her fist). Everyday I would hear this and I would try and make her laugh. Finally, after trying vivaciously for months, I quit. I stopped fucking around and investing energy into someone who had no appreciation for my efforts. I worked my ass off and ignored her petty fits. I think I ended up with a 93% in the class simply based on my refusal to speak to her when she was moody (which was all the time). So yea, they broke up. He's a cocaine addict, sleeping with his new girlfriend and working in the mall. Anyways, I guess i'm just saying that few things are worth getting angry or upset about. It's actually quite humorous realizing that 2 months of my grade 12 year were spent trying to cheer up one of my (temporary) friends (who treated me terribly) about her loser boyfriend who was soon to become her loser and hated ex-boyfriend. He was an asshole to her, she was an asshole to me, I was an asshole to myself. There is an non-fictional ancedote of how I respond to people.

I'm not perfect. If i've been shielding you out lately i'm sorry. I value the friendships that I have with everyone, but I can't carry the baggage of everyone elses problems.

This entry is extreme, it's emo, it's silly and petty. It's not an indirect way to manipulate anyone or an attempt to belittle the problems or emotions of anyone. It's not necessarily about myself. The bottom line is that i'm selfish, you're selfish, humanity is selfish. But I don't want the personal problems of other's to be inflicted on me any longer. This isn't meant to hurt anyone or cause anyone to question their past actions. I just see people hurting each other and i'm sick of it. It's within my family, my school, my work, my group of friends.

Maybe i'm just spoiled because I have Larry as a father and i've seen him take out the stress of his highly demanding job on my family 2.5 times in the last 20 years. Who knows.